I´ve never had a stalker. A flasher, yes. When I was a teenager, working in my first advertising agency, I would walk home from work to my flat and regularly encounter a tall, thin, redhead standing in front of his first story flat's floor-to-ceiling windows tugging away as though he was trying to beat the Guiness Book of Records.
But a stalker, never. Well, not that I noticed. I am usually pretty good at obliterating any unwanted attention in its early stages by becoming cold, distant and impossibly unavailable. I mean, I play the Ice Queen so well, it´s worth adorning the title with capital letters. There are probably men, all over the world, in therapy to this day having been on the receiving end of my cold shoulder.
I'm not trying to codone this kind of behaviour, it´s definitely a last resort. But sometimes it's the only thing that will work. Turning yourself from an object of desire into somebody that could possibly be a bunny boiler is one that works for me.
Unfortunately these desperate measures aren´t always appropriate. Sometimes, it´s delicate. Your stalker is a psycho. Hmn, at what stage do you bring in the police without putting your safety at risk...especially if they don´t hear you out...we´ve all read about those murder victims who had non molestation orders on their perpertrators.
Or your stalker suffers from depression or is bi-polar, i mean who wants to be responsible for suicide? And heavens forbid that your stalker is the local drug dealer or dj and you will never again be hooked up on the social front; afterall, you live in buttfuck-nowheresville. Can you afford to cut off your nose to spite your face? Or even if your stalker is a perfectly nice, reasonable man (if not a little stalker-ish) that you're just not interested in. Ever. What do you do?
Ummmmmmm. Thinking. Thinking. He knows where you live. He has your phone number. Sadly, he never calls so that you can make up an excuse, he just turns up. This makes it that much more difficult because it´s plainly obvious to the entire world as to whether or not you´re at home. My house is a goldfish bowl. If i´m in, the ranchsliders are open. If I´m not, the 'persianas' are down & it´s clearly all locked up. One of my stalkers likes to go fishing, hence it´s completely reasonable that he should 'happen' to be passing by my bay.
So, can´t hide, can´t not pick up the phone, this has to be dealt with face to face. So far I have managed to buy myself some freedom via a few trips abroad and have blamed my current lack of form on sheer exhaustion & and deflected the question of social engagement thanks to an impending family visit. But these little white lies are going to give me about a week's grace, max. Because his sidekick, who is a little younger and much more of a 'player', has started to catch on and usher his lovestruck mate out of my place in record time. Which is great on the surface, but...
Here´s where you start to walk the fine line. You don´t want the mate getting all protective and attempting to help the stalker avoid heartache by starting to portray you as a cold-hearted, using bitch who isn´t interested in anything other than his guestlist or cartel connections. Nor do you want to actually hurt or offend the stalker, you just need to recuperate your energy levels and make a concerted effort to appear at a social occasion where there´s safety in numbers. In this manner, you are showing your commitment to the friendship by turning up. Even if he is delusional and sees it that you´ve turned up to see him, that´s his problem. As any magician will tell you, it´s all about the illusion.
So, if you happen to get a little tipsy and end up going home with the security guard or one of stalker's football team colleagues, he's not going to like it but your slate is still gonna be clean. Well, cleanish. But due to the nature of this strategy, it can bring on the whole new problem of you appearing to be too easy. He might start to think that if you'll nail a stranger, the only thing that's been holding him back has been his own inability to ask you directly to turn it up.
At this point, perhaps your best bet is to confess to suffering from alcoholism or drug abuse and a complete lack of control over your life and explain that you can´t possibly be in any kind of relationship with anybody until such time as you have successfully completed the 12 step programme and have the permission of your sponsor to maintain relations of any description with anybody other than your fellow AA's.
Stalkers are annoying and scary. Ideally they don´t happen. But when they do, they need to be dealt with quickly and efficiently in order to minimise any negative repercussions. It would be wonderful if people would just take the signals or guidance we try to communicate, but we all know love...or lust...is blind. And deaf and dumb. Wish me luck!
Saturday 16 May 2009
Monday 11 May 2009
Random Thoughts (as opposed to 'what's on your mind?')
11.05.09
The wind has come up and the punters are leaving the beach. This is a breeze, not real wind. It´s clear these people are obviously not from Wellington, home to the mother of all winds, nor are they from the UK whereby it would take a category 3 storm to get them off the beach here. The UK punters blow my mind, they consider anything above 14degrees as sunbathing weather. In fact, you can pretty much dish them up anything so long as it´s not rain. Which is good I s'pose, coz when all the locals pack up their picnics at the slightest breeze or drop in temperature, the tourism industry can rely on the staunch determination of the Brits to hang in there soaking up their annual intake of vitamin D. Did you know there´s a ricketts epidemic sweeping the UK and that truely and honestly it´s due to a lack of sun? Scary.
06.06.09
What´s up with the people who don´t answer their phones? Or ignore emails...or those who generally tune out when it suits them. These people have their art downpat. They know who they are and exactly what they´re doing. But they´re not bothered. The thing I often wonder though, is do they know that we know who they are? Or do they perhaps think that because they´re ever so important, that we believe they are actually genuinely busy and have been unable to take our calls or reply to our emails? Or, heavens to murgatroid, do they want us to get the hint that they are purposely blanking us?
This is where the lines get blurry. Because it could be either. But generally, as I mentioned before, these people are artists of this cold form of pyschological manipulation and abuse. They deliver those slam dunks of silence knowing full well that we are going to be genuinely confused and therefore somewhat reluctant to give them a gentle nudge. They know that they are rendering us limpid with self doubt and that this is the most effective way to avoid communication with us. As we retreat into a world of paranoia they calmly go about their days making their 'natural selection' of worthy communiques. And when your ship comes in and that excuse & apology laden email hits your inbox, mama mia, how good are they at washing away those self doubts and restoring your faith in both them & their twisted manipulative ways and mankind in general. Oh the power that these maestros wield!
But one must ask the questions...just what is their game? What happened to them to make them behave like this? Were they beaten as children & now they´re sadomasochists? Are they actually proper fraudsters? Who or what are they hiding from?
Sometimes it´s a partner who is the real enemy, and it´s easier to distance you rather than have to honour your friendship under the jealous, watchful eye of an odious partner. Or is it just you? Really, if push came to shove, they don´t actually like you and want as little as possible to do with you.
Ideally, you should wake up and smell the roses and give up on your lameass attempts at contact with them. They live in hope that the penny will drop for you, whilst you live in hope that they will acknowledge your existence. And then they feel guilty and acknowledge you. And so it goes on, in a vicious little circle.
But really, bollox to the perpetrators & bless to the victims. If honesty and integrity are too much to ask, good manners will always suffice. Please try and be polite.
The wind has come up and the punters are leaving the beach. This is a breeze, not real wind. It´s clear these people are obviously not from Wellington, home to the mother of all winds, nor are they from the UK whereby it would take a category 3 storm to get them off the beach here. The UK punters blow my mind, they consider anything above 14degrees as sunbathing weather. In fact, you can pretty much dish them up anything so long as it´s not rain. Which is good I s'pose, coz when all the locals pack up their picnics at the slightest breeze or drop in temperature, the tourism industry can rely on the staunch determination of the Brits to hang in there soaking up their annual intake of vitamin D. Did you know there´s a ricketts epidemic sweeping the UK and that truely and honestly it´s due to a lack of sun? Scary.
06.06.09
What´s up with the people who don´t answer their phones? Or ignore emails...or those who generally tune out when it suits them. These people have their art downpat. They know who they are and exactly what they´re doing. But they´re not bothered. The thing I often wonder though, is do they know that we know who they are? Or do they perhaps think that because they´re ever so important, that we believe they are actually genuinely busy and have been unable to take our calls or reply to our emails? Or, heavens to murgatroid, do they want us to get the hint that they are purposely blanking us?
This is where the lines get blurry. Because it could be either. But generally, as I mentioned before, these people are artists of this cold form of pyschological manipulation and abuse. They deliver those slam dunks of silence knowing full well that we are going to be genuinely confused and therefore somewhat reluctant to give them a gentle nudge. They know that they are rendering us limpid with self doubt and that this is the most effective way to avoid communication with us. As we retreat into a world of paranoia they calmly go about their days making their 'natural selection' of worthy communiques. And when your ship comes in and that excuse & apology laden email hits your inbox, mama mia, how good are they at washing away those self doubts and restoring your faith in both them & their twisted manipulative ways and mankind in general. Oh the power that these maestros wield!
But one must ask the questions...just what is their game? What happened to them to make them behave like this? Were they beaten as children & now they´re sadomasochists? Are they actually proper fraudsters? Who or what are they hiding from?
Sometimes it´s a partner who is the real enemy, and it´s easier to distance you rather than have to honour your friendship under the jealous, watchful eye of an odious partner. Or is it just you? Really, if push came to shove, they don´t actually like you and want as little as possible to do with you.
Ideally, you should wake up and smell the roses and give up on your lameass attempts at contact with them. They live in hope that the penny will drop for you, whilst you live in hope that they will acknowledge your existence. And then they feel guilty and acknowledge you. And so it goes on, in a vicious little circle.
But really, bollox to the perpetrators & bless to the victims. If honesty and integrity are too much to ask, good manners will always suffice. Please try and be polite.
Sunday 10 May 2009
facebollox
Genius concept, wish I´d thought of it.
But really. There are 4 categories of facebook users, which one are you?
1. Popularity Contest - those who seek safety in numbers, fakeass wannabes, deeply insecure types who probably have small penises or sexuality issues...perhaps victims of child abuse or abandonment/broken homes. Don´t be their friend, they don´t give a damn about you.
2. Me Me Me´s - those who think anybody gives a fuck about their every move-thought-favourite youtube clip etc etc. (I am in this category & so is anbody else who has a blog). These people have delusions of granduer, don´t humour them, you´re only fueling the fire.
3. Bored Housewives - what else is there to do while baby´s sleeping and daddy´s off on yet another client dinner (read hotel room with his secretary). Reach out to these people, you could be their lifeline, their only form of human contact. Do your bit to make them feel like they are making a valuable contribution to society. Show them some of the love they´re missing from their own god-damned sonofabitch cheating ass husbands.
4. Wannabe Hipsters - those who have no time, energy, nor inclination for such bollox but don´t want to appear out of touch. These people are harmless & deserve respect for making the effort, even if it is a bit shallow and you wonder why the fuck they even bothered to open an account since they never offer a status update let alone have the good manners to occassionally comment on your literary genius efforts.
Protocol - now when are the good (sic) people at facebook HQ gonna get down with some rules? Like how many youtube postings are you allowed in one day? Come on man, I love some of those tunes people post, but nothing fucks me off more than when my whole home page is taken up by some homie who has come home wasted at 6am or sprinkled something special on their cornflakes and decided to send out their top 10 all time greatest hits according to how much crack they just smoked and what club they just rolled out of. I mean trust me, I´m feelin' it too, but I just know there´s a limit to what I can get away with before people start to go 'guess who's been out on the crack all nite?' and I don´t want anybody to know about my little crack problem. So it´s self control. And if there is no self control, well this is where I say that HQ need to dish out some Protocol tools and shut this shit down! Like did you know you can´t open more than three hotmail accounts in one day? Well you can´t. Now that´s the kind of shit I´m talking about. Maybe a little facist, but lordy lordy, shut that shit down I say.
Same goes for 'what's on your mind' (who the fuck at HQ came up with that dippy hippy trippy shit? It amazes me that they haven´t turned the box where you write your update into some big blinding cyrstal gleaming out of the screen at you...fucking hippies). How many times should you update this? Hey, if u wanna do it more than once or twice a day, get a fucking twitter account you egomaniac douche-bag! (By the way, just because Aston Kutchner has got over a million twitter friends, that doesn´t mean I think he has a small penis...but maybe he has been sexually abused by Demi Moore, which could explain why he is a Category 1 with his 1m friends)
Then there´s the Quiz thing. Don´t start me on the quiz thing. I am going to start writing my own quizes actually. Mine are going to be themed along the lines of 'How Fucking Stupid Do You Have To Be To Take This Quiz?', 'How Much Time Have You Got On Your Hands To Do This Completely Inane Quiz?', 'Which Alien or Robot Movie Character Were You In A Previous Life?', 'Which Football Player Would I Be In My Fucking Dreams If I Even Knew How To Kick A Ball?' 'How Would I Use My Brain If I Had One?' (this one might be asking a bit much of the quizzers) 'What Kind Of Sadass Am I? lonely? bored? low IQ? just been dumped escapist? Choose one...whichever you choose, the answer is: face it! you´re just a TOTAL fucking sadass for doing this bullshit quiz, you need to get a life!
Hmmmm. There´s so much more to add here, but I have to go check my facebook...
But really. There are 4 categories of facebook users, which one are you?
1. Popularity Contest - those who seek safety in numbers, fakeass wannabes, deeply insecure types who probably have small penises or sexuality issues...perhaps victims of child abuse or abandonment/broken homes. Don´t be their friend, they don´t give a damn about you.
2. Me Me Me´s - those who think anybody gives a fuck about their every move-thought-favourite youtube clip etc etc. (I am in this category & so is anbody else who has a blog). These people have delusions of granduer, don´t humour them, you´re only fueling the fire.
3. Bored Housewives - what else is there to do while baby´s sleeping and daddy´s off on yet another client dinner (read hotel room with his secretary). Reach out to these people, you could be their lifeline, their only form of human contact. Do your bit to make them feel like they are making a valuable contribution to society. Show them some of the love they´re missing from their own god-damned sonofabitch cheating ass husbands.
4. Wannabe Hipsters - those who have no time, energy, nor inclination for such bollox but don´t want to appear out of touch. These people are harmless & deserve respect for making the effort, even if it is a bit shallow and you wonder why the fuck they even bothered to open an account since they never offer a status update let alone have the good manners to occassionally comment on your literary genius efforts.
Protocol - now when are the good (sic) people at facebook HQ gonna get down with some rules? Like how many youtube postings are you allowed in one day? Come on man, I love some of those tunes people post, but nothing fucks me off more than when my whole home page is taken up by some homie who has come home wasted at 6am or sprinkled something special on their cornflakes and decided to send out their top 10 all time greatest hits according to how much crack they just smoked and what club they just rolled out of. I mean trust me, I´m feelin' it too, but I just know there´s a limit to what I can get away with before people start to go 'guess who's been out on the crack all nite?' and I don´t want anybody to know about my little crack problem. So it´s self control. And if there is no self control, well this is where I say that HQ need to dish out some Protocol tools and shut this shit down! Like did you know you can´t open more than three hotmail accounts in one day? Well you can´t. Now that´s the kind of shit I´m talking about. Maybe a little facist, but lordy lordy, shut that shit down I say.
Same goes for 'what's on your mind' (who the fuck at HQ came up with that dippy hippy trippy shit? It amazes me that they haven´t turned the box where you write your update into some big blinding cyrstal gleaming out of the screen at you...fucking hippies). How many times should you update this? Hey, if u wanna do it more than once or twice a day, get a fucking twitter account you egomaniac douche-bag! (By the way, just because Aston Kutchner has got over a million twitter friends, that doesn´t mean I think he has a small penis...but maybe he has been sexually abused by Demi Moore, which could explain why he is a Category 1 with his 1m friends)
Then there´s the Quiz thing. Don´t start me on the quiz thing. I am going to start writing my own quizes actually. Mine are going to be themed along the lines of 'How Fucking Stupid Do You Have To Be To Take This Quiz?', 'How Much Time Have You Got On Your Hands To Do This Completely Inane Quiz?', 'Which Alien or Robot Movie Character Were You In A Previous Life?', 'Which Football Player Would I Be In My Fucking Dreams If I Even Knew How To Kick A Ball?' 'How Would I Use My Brain If I Had One?' (this one might be asking a bit much of the quizzers) 'What Kind Of Sadass Am I? lonely? bored? low IQ? just been dumped escapist? Choose one...whichever you choose, the answer is: face it! you´re just a TOTAL fucking sadass for doing this bullshit quiz, you need to get a life!
Hmmmm. There´s so much more to add here, but I have to go check my facebook...
Questions Du Jour
Jordan & Peter Andre
Will Katie & Peter get back together? I thought they were a great couple. I´m really sad for them and their kids. They are both so good with the kids, especially with Harvey the poor little handicapped one. I think he´ll really suffer for it. So for all their sakes, I really hope they can work it out.
I feel really sorry for Pete, there´s no doubt that Katie would be a nightmare to live with - you can see that from the reality show. But they are all so sweet together! Those kids are just so adorable. They really need Pete around, he seems like such a sweet, harmless guy. Maybe not the brightest crayon in the box but a decent man. And poor old Katie with her evil green eyed monster - that can just be a hormonal imbalance in women, change her pill or put her on one. See if it calms her down a bit.
Anyway, I think all the haters are just awful. The fact that they are milking the cash cow by doing all this trainwreck reality tv stuff is a bit dodgy for sure; but then, who am I, without a skeric of fame to cash in on, to judge their career choices or financial planning? I wish them luck and personally, I´m backing that they work it out.
Packaging
What´s up with all the packaging? Just when we think we've reached a new era of social responsibility and have no problem with supermarkets charging us for our plastic bags, why is it that others are individually wrapping cucumbers and courgettes? I kid you not. I'm almost driven to do a company search on this supermarket and look for a trail that leads me to a plastic manufacturing company owned by one of the shareholders. There is no other logical explanation for this. And more to the point, who buys these? I live alone and admittedly, if I´m in a hurry or walking a long way, I might just get what I need for the moment. But do I want to spend time peeling off and discarding plastic? Not when there´s a whole bunch of the same product within a couple of feet that's unwrapped! I mean, would you buy any piece of produce that had been individually wrapped? So who buys these? Or maybe the germ phobia that Howard Hughes had is simply more prevalent than I imagined. There must be some explanation.
Will Katie & Peter get back together? I thought they were a great couple. I´m really sad for them and their kids. They are both so good with the kids, especially with Harvey the poor little handicapped one. I think he´ll really suffer for it. So for all their sakes, I really hope they can work it out.
I feel really sorry for Pete, there´s no doubt that Katie would be a nightmare to live with - you can see that from the reality show. But they are all so sweet together! Those kids are just so adorable. They really need Pete around, he seems like such a sweet, harmless guy. Maybe not the brightest crayon in the box but a decent man. And poor old Katie with her evil green eyed monster - that can just be a hormonal imbalance in women, change her pill or put her on one. See if it calms her down a bit.
Anyway, I think all the haters are just awful. The fact that they are milking the cash cow by doing all this trainwreck reality tv stuff is a bit dodgy for sure; but then, who am I, without a skeric of fame to cash in on, to judge their career choices or financial planning? I wish them luck and personally, I´m backing that they work it out.
Packaging
What´s up with all the packaging? Just when we think we've reached a new era of social responsibility and have no problem with supermarkets charging us for our plastic bags, why is it that others are individually wrapping cucumbers and courgettes? I kid you not. I'm almost driven to do a company search on this supermarket and look for a trail that leads me to a plastic manufacturing company owned by one of the shareholders. There is no other logical explanation for this. And more to the point, who buys these? I live alone and admittedly, if I´m in a hurry or walking a long way, I might just get what I need for the moment. But do I want to spend time peeling off and discarding plastic? Not when there´s a whole bunch of the same product within a couple of feet that's unwrapped! I mean, would you buy any piece of produce that had been individually wrapped? So who buys these? Or maybe the germ phobia that Howard Hughes had is simply more prevalent than I imagined. There must be some explanation.
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